


when the sky is grey

by icecreamhour



Series: hockey au [2]
Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hockey, First Time, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Prequel, Summer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:09:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29423595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icecreamhour/pseuds/icecreamhour
Summary: Jaebeom loves summer.Summer includes going to the cabin, spending time by the lake and spending hours fishing and doing whatever he wants. It’s the only time of freedom he’ll ever get in his life before the draft.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Series: hockey au [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1635892
Comments: 9
Kudos: 39





	when the sky is grey

**Author's Note:**

> happy one year anniversary to hockey au!! ♡

Jaebeom loves summer. 

Summer includes going to the cabin, spending time by the lake and spending hours fishing and doing whatever he wants. It’s the only time of freedom he’ll ever get in his life before the draft. Before the big franchise, before living up to the expectations that keep weighing down on his shoulders. His parents let him go alone with Jinyoung this time, spending two weeks by themselves with nothing to do other than kill time with each other. 

He wishes these days would last forever. 

Jaebeom only watches while Jinyoung lays out in the grass by the lake. His eyes are closed, and his hair is wet, sticking right onto his forehead while he lays in the sun. It’s a mild summer, and they just spent a few hours swimming in the lake. Jaebeom has a towel wrapped around his shoulders, walking through the grass barefoot while he has an extra one in hand for Jinyoung. The last time they were both here was a year ago— with Jaebeom’s parents while the two of them were still only friends. 

He thinks that they might be something. Something more than whatever they are now. He lays down next to Jinyoung on the grass, just barely reaching over to intertwine their fingers together. The summer heat feels nice against his skin, feeling the water dry off and Jinyoung squeezes his hand back. 

“You think we could both come back here next summer?” Jinyoung asks, sounding hopeful. He’s always too hopeful. There’s that glow in his eyes when Jaebeom knows he’s excited about something. Jaebeom doesn’t know if they’ll ever come back. If they can ever be the same. Things always change after the draft, and right now he thinks they’re only living on borrowed time. 

“Maybe,” Jaebeom says quietly. “Depends on if you make a cup run. Depends on if we get sent back to juniors or not.” 

That was one thing that Jaebeom thought about. What if the both of them aren’t ready? What if Jaebeom isn’t good enough? What if he gets sent back to Erie, or what if he gets sent back to Erie  _ alone _ . 

“You won’t,” Jinyoung says, with just a hint of confidence to his tone. “I won’t. You’ll be in Vegas and I’ll be in Seattle. We’ll see each other four or five games a season. Plus the All-Star game.” 

Jinyoung doesn’t stop. He keeps listing all the different ways they’ll be able to see each other. It seems like he’s put a lot of time and research into it, even figuring out if their bye weeks align so they’ll be able to meet each other halfway. It’s too hopeful, and Jaebeom thinks he just might crash and burn into the net. He squeezes Jinyoung’s hand, as if he’s silently telling him to stop. He pauses, and Jinyoung takes one hard look at him. 

“I can’t wait to show you around Philly,” Jinyoung says, taking a sharp change from the conversation. “You’ll like it there.” 

“You think?” Jaebeom asks. 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung smiles. “You will.” 

* * *

Jaebeom still feels it when he goes to bed at night. That heavy feeling in his chest, the one that seems like it’s never going to stop. He can’t breathe the closer the draft gets. Another thirteen days and he feels like he can never sit still. He doesn’t even sleep most nights. He lays in bed, watching Jinyoung while he sleeps right next to him. Jaebeom could never wake him up. He looks peaceful like this, younger and less tired. Jaebeom knows the next few years are going to be hard for the both of them— teammates, friends, something more who will never be the same after this. 

He turns until he’s staring at the ceiling again. The master bedroom in the cabin was never shrouded in darkness. There’s light coming in from the moonlit reflection off of the lake, and Jaebeom thinks it might give him some peace of mind. The lake and the cabin were the only times in his life he remembers being happy like this. It’s only when the sun begins to rise, that Jaebeom closes his eyes and leans his head against the pillow. He lets Jinyoung cling onto him, just so he can feel secure for a few moments with Jinyoung’s hand around his waist. Nothing was ever going to be like this again, and Jaebeom was going to live in the moment. 

Eighteen is still too young. It’s too young for anyone to decide if they want to throw themselves into a career with high intensity and pressure. Jaebeom’s known that since he was five he wanted to be like this dad. When he remembered the first real game he went to, one that he could remember outside of being a baby. He doesn’t think he’ll ever love anything else more than the ice and the rare days of outdoor hockey. 

He feels Jinyoung stir, mumbling and breathing against Jaebeom’s neck. Jaebeom tries not to move too much, but it’s too late, and Jinyoung’s already awake for the day. 

“Good morning,” Jinyoung hums in his ear. “What should we do today?” 

“I don’t know,” Jaebeom answers quietly. “But I like that we don’t know.” 

Every part of Jaebeom’s life has been planned. From his birth, to every hockey league he ever played in as a kid. He played in higher age groups at a young age— faster and better than kids his own age. Even his dad made plans for the next ten years of his career if Jaebeom gets drafted first. There’s an agent, and there’s money. There’s too many investments on the line. For once, Jaebeom just wants to feel like a kid again. 

“You get started on breakfast, then,” Jinyoung groans. “You know I still can’t fry an egg.” 

* * *

Jinyoung’s a little slow to get up for someone who slept the entire night. Jaebeom always feels a bit sluggish, walking down the stairs and dragging his feet just to get to the kitchen. Everything in the cabin was fully stocked before they came here— his dad’s doing just to make sure they had a good time without having to worry. Jaebeom gets started on breakfast— it’s his ingrained routine even from his days of junior hockey when he woke up at five every morning before his billet parents. It’s eggs over easy, and the moment Jinyoung finally comes downstairs he clings onto Jaebeom like his life depends on it. 

It’s a habit that Jaebeom formed. Making sure the oil doesn’t splatter onto Jinyoung while his arms are wrapped around his wai st. It’s a kitchen hazard, but he lets Jinyoung do it anyway. They’ve always been close, and all this time alone still makes Jaebeom nervous. He’s nervous because the two of them have never done anything more than kiss, with heavy makeout sessions in the basement of Jinyoung’s billet home along with some messy handjobs in between. 

They both talked about it. The things they wanted to check off their list before the draft. They’ve already checked off almost every first on their list together, and there’s no one else Jaebeom would rather do it with. Jinyoung’s lips are soft on the back of his neck, and it tickles every time he breathes. 

“Can you stop?” Jaebeom laughs. “I can’t cook or get anything done here.” 

“Then we don’t have to cook,” Jinyoung breathes against his neck. “We can do whatever we want, there’s no one else here.” 

Jaebeom turns off the stove, and lets the eggs sit in the hot pan. He wishes it could be like this forever. A world where Jaebeom can do whatever he wants without anyone else relying or expecting something out of him. A world where there isn’t an entire weight held to his name, or the pressure that sits in his stomach that he can’t run away from. This time, Jaebeom makes a choice. 

“Let’s forget about the eggs, then,” Jaebeom murmurs. “Let’s do whatever we want today.” 

Jinyoung’s just as eager, pulling on Jaebeom’s waist like he already knows what Jaebeom means. They’ve danced around it for weeks, doing something more with their time together. Both of them were just as shy, even if they pushed each other into the lake naked on multiple occasions on their first day here. 

It’s not long after that they’re both stumbling upstairs, messy and uncoordinated while they both try to take each other’s clothes off. It’s not very sexy but it doesn’t have to be right now, because Jaebeom just wants to have fun and he trusts Jinyoung. They’re almost a giggling mess at this point, Jaebeom pinned onto the mattress while Jinyoung lays on top of him, peppering soft kisses up his jaw until he meets Jaebeom’s lips. 

“I like this,” Jaebeom whispers. 

“I like this too,” Jinyoung whispers back. 

* * *

Two weeks gives them a lot of time to learn about themselves and their bodies— Jinyoung mastered it, knowing exactly how much to give Jaebeom and how much to take. It only took one time for them for Jaebeom to know that he didn’t like it when Jinyoung used a condom. They were each other’s firsts, and the only people they’ve ever been with so it didn’t matter to him. 

Jaebeom doesn’t expect to like it this much. Jinyoung’s fingers are long and slender, opening him up until Jaebeom’s begging for it— begging for more even though the two of them can barely even last that long. It should feel embarrassing but it isn’t, not when the two of them know they’ll have more time in these next few days to keep making it better. 

Jaebeom’s legs are wrapped around Jinyoung’s waist, pulling him in close until Jinyoung is all he can feel inside of him. Their bodies are sticking together; the mess of sweat and water from the lake when the both of them were too eager to even think about anything else but give in to their reckless teenage hormones. Jaebeom loves the way that Jinyoung fills up in the summer— his arms even bulkier while his tan glows in the sun. He feels like he can finally breathe like this, with Jinyoung holding him close and whispering his name into his ear like it’s the only thing that matters. He is the only thing that matters. 

“I love you,” Jinyoung breathes. 

It’s nothing sudden. It’s natural. It’s what Jaebeom’s been wanting to hear for a long time, if he was being honest with himself. He doesn’t think he’ll love anyone else like this. Jaebeom thinks it’s probably silly since they’re both 18 and they have their whole lives ahead of them, but nothing will ever take this moment away from him. 

“I love you too,” Jaebeom breathes back. 

* * *

Leaving the cabin and coming back to reality hits Jaebeom harder this time. He hates seeing Jinyoung drive away, even though they’re going to see each other again in a few days. They’ve been together almost everyday for the last two years. Hockey practice, school, sleeping over at each other’s billet homes until they ended up where they are now. 

Everyone thinks that Jaebeom is the one who has the number one pick on lockdown. Captain of the Otters, born and bred from a hockey family, playing miles around his teammates his age for years. Jaebeom’s never been scared until he met Jinyoung on that first day of practice. He thinks that if someone had to take it away from him, he would want it to be Jinyoung. He’s better on the ice. More organic in the way he can think outside of the box. His hockey IQ is off the charts— and Jaebeom loves playing with him. 

The thing about playing well with your junior hockey teammates is that the odds you’ll ever be on the same team together are slim. Jaebeom’s father has told him the stories of friends he had during his days of junior hockey. Jaebeom’s never met any of them, and that’s enough for Jaebeom to know that the friendships don’t stick. 

It’s why he’s scared. Jaebeom’s scared that Jinyoung’s going to leave him. He knows he probably will, even though he’s the one who’s been researching and planning every moment they’ll be able to see each other during the season. 82 game seasons are another level for the both of them— just 18 and still training to get onto that endurance. Jinyoung will find better friends, and Jaebeom will be left alone because everyone holds him on a higher pedestal. Jaebeom’s too shy, or too scared, or everyone thinks that no one is good enough to be his friend. 

It’s always the opposite. Jaebeom’s scared he’s not good enough for anyone. 

* * *

Jaebeom is greeted at the airport by Jinyoung and his family. Jaebeom’s parents aren’t too far behind, and Jaebeom’s just happy to see Jinyoung again for the first time in days. They aren’t alone but they’ll be able to squeeze in time while they film interviews for the draft and stay in the same hotel room together. 

Jinyoung has to beg his mom to let him ride with Jaebeom and his parents in their rental car to the hotel. It’s cute to watch, seeing Jinyoung get babied by his sisters while his mom says yes. Their families don’t meet that often, but Jinyoung’s sisters manage to keep in touch and check in with Jaebeom from time to time. He thinks it’s nice, that the two of them give him something more than his parents do for him. 

He doesn’t know what to say in the car, especially now that his parents are sitting in front of them. His dad’s going off about his experience on his draft day, which is something Jaebeom would rather tune out than listen to again for the 100th time. It’s an old story, one that Jaebeom has grown tired of hearing. He feels sick all over again, trying to forget the way that his parents want to ignore everything and pretend like there’s nothing wrong. 

Jaebeom feels like he can’t breathe again, his heart nearly beating out of his chest while he grips onto his own thigh. He thinks his knuckles must be white— and he’s startled for a moment when Jinyoung places his hand over his. 

It only calms him for a moment, a small space where he feels like he can breathe when he remembers the last day at the cabin. He loves someone and they love him back. He doesn’t know if it’s enough right now. 

* * *

Jaebeom hates promotional content. Filming interviews feels like he’s sinking in sand, pretending to be happy and excited about everything even though he’s not. It’s easier to fake when Jinyoung’s here, when the two of them are in the spotlight because of how close they are. Everyone’s already branded them as best friends; the ones everyone wants to see go first and second in the draft. It still makes Jaebeom feel sick, and the closer to the draft he gets he doesn’t know how he’ll even make it. 

He runs into people he’s met before over the years. Old teammates, old rivals, old players from other teams. It’s funny when people respect him now, when years ago they were the ones pushing him into the boards and telling him that he’s only good because of who his father is. 

After what feels like forever, Jinyoung sneaks him out to take him to some ice cream shop a few blocks over from their hotel. They’re walking together on the sidewalk, arms bumping into each other instead of holding hands. No one’s watching, and no stranger here knows who they are, but Jaebeom wishes he didn’t care so much to reach over and link his fingers together with Jinyoung’s. 

He settles for something less. Jaebeom lets his pinky brush against Jinyoung’s, linking them together for just a moment until he lets go. He tries to ignore the pain in his chest when Jinyoung’s smile seems to fade, knowing the two of them can’t do anything more than this right now, especially when everyone is going to be watching. 

They share a huge bowl of ice cream. Jinyoung even orders mint chocolate and eats it for Jaebeom even when he hates it. Jaebeom smiles at the gesture, laughing when Jinyoung eats the first scoop and makes a disgusted face. Jaebeom thinks this might be his last time of pure joy and happiness before the draft. Something that makes him feel like he’s just a kid, going out on a date with his boyfriend without any other care in the world. He wonders what it would be like if they met in a different life; a different circumstance where people weren’t counting on them and entire franchises are banking on them. 

“What do you think it’ll be like?” Jaebeom wonders out loud. 

“What?” Jinyoung asks. 

“After the draft. You. Me.” Jaebeom pauses. He doesn’t know if he should say  _ us _ at the end of it. 

“After the draft you’ll probably be crying like a baby when they hand you that jersey,” Jinyoung laughs. “You’re going to get called first, everyone’s going to clap for you and you’re going to give the cameras your biggest smile. I’ll be the one cheering the loudest.” 

“You say that as if you’re not going to cry, too,” Jaebeom says, only he’s trying to fake his laughter to match Jinyoung’s. He doesn’t know if he can make it another day like this, pretending that there isn’t something inside of him screaming that he can’t do this anymore. 

“So our parents and my sisters went out to some place,” Jinyoung mumbles, just dancing around the subject. “My mom gave me her credit card and said we could order room service.” 

“So we’ll be alone, alone?” Jaebeom grins, kicking Jinyoung’s feet from under the table. 

“Yeah, we’ll be alone,” Jinyoung giggles, and kicks him back. “No interruptions this time.” 

* * *

Jaebeom doesn’t know how much longer he’ll be able to handle it like this. He’s sweating already, feeling like he’s suffocating in his parent’s room while he fiddles with his tie. They’re supposed to go out for one last dinner together, only Jaebeom doesn’t know if he wants to go. He has to since he’s already dressed, the tie almost feeling like a noose around his neck. He has to loosen it, and when his dad makes a break for the bathroom, that’s when Jaebeom notices the keys on the counter. 

He only got his license a few weeks back— something that he put off while he was in juniors. He’s not a great driver, but being anywhere is better than being here. So he steals the keys to the rental car and leaves the hotel room as quietly as he can. 

Jaebeom doesn’t know where he’s going. He feels like he’s driving around in circles, looking for somewhere to go only he doesn’t know where he wants to go. Everything in his life has been piling up to this moment— the moment that’s supposed to be the first day of his life. He’s going to get drafted tomorrow, throw himself into summer training and play for a team in a desert. It still doesn’t make any sense to him— hockey in a place as hot as Vegas. It’s nothing like Boston, nothing like home and the winters that run through his veins. 

He closes his eyes for a moment, and the next all he sees is white. There’s a loud honking noise, and Jaebeom can’t open his eyes no matter how much he wants to. His head hurts, and everything is pounding and it’s like his body is finally closing in on itself. He hasn’t slept for weeks— probably only two or three hours on most nights when he does. His head feels warm; something dripping thick and heavy down his forehead. He thinks it might be blood when he feels something wet with his fingertips. 

He still can’t open his eyes. All Jaebeom can hear is panic. His dad’s voice echoes in his ears. Something about an accident. A drunk driver. A broken red light. He lets himself fade; and Jaebeom thinks that might be the end of it. 

* * *

Jaebeom wakes up in the hospital the day after the draft. He’s already seen and heard the news. His parents pulled him out of the draft, everything else sworn to secrecy and money being paid to silence anyone who tries to look into it. He wonders if his parents even care about anything other than their name and their reputation. If they look at him and think that all they see is failure. Someone who couldn’t handle the pressure in the way that they wanted. Jaebeom couldn’t turn into a diamond; his heart feels like it’s nothing but coal sitting inside of his chest. 

He sees it on the television— the replay of the draft. He watches Jinyoung get drafted first. His eyes are even sparkling and he looks happy. It makes Jaebeom sick again. Jinyoung got everything that was supposed to be his. Now Jaebeom’s here, in a hospital room until he’s alone and empty with nothing else to give him a sense of normalcy. Nothing in his life has ever been normal. It was never going to be normal, as long as Jaebeom did things the way his father wanted. 

“Jinyoung’s here,” his father says, voice curt and blunt. “He wants to see you.” 

“Tell him I don’t want to see him,” Jaebeom says, shifting uncomfortably in the bed while he can feel a needle digging into his arm. “I don’t want to see him anymore.” 

He’s never felt so angry. He’s angry at himself, angry at the world for making him feel this way. He doesn’t think he’ll ever stop feeling like this, the guilt and the pressure piling up until he has no one left. Jaebeom can’t see Jinyoung like this, or let him see him like this at all. He’s more vulnerable now; bandages around his head and his chest. He’s thankful it’s nothing worse, but he doesn’t think he can look at Jinyoung without feeling like he hates him. 

Jaebeom doesn’t hate him. He never will. He knows all the misplaced anger is unfair, but he can’t stop himself from feeling it. He can’t stop himself from feeling like something’s been taken away from him, even if it was never really his at all. Even though he knows he still has time— a tiny bit of summer to steal away and spend time with Jinyoung. He can’t do it like this. He can’t let Jinyoung see him like this; he can’t let him see the worst part of himself right now. 

He doesn’t know if he can look at himself right now. 

* * *

It’s not until later, that his mom brings it up. Jaebeom’s on a tight recovery schedule. He’s gotten better faster than anyone expected, and Jaebeom thinks it won’t be long until he’ll be able to get on the ice again. He’s already excited, feeling the pain fade away in his body until there’s nothing else he can think about again except hockey. 

“Boston University is nice,” Jaebeom’s mom says quietly at the dining table. “I had a great time there, and I think you’d fit in.” 

Jaebeom never thought about college. It’s always been the NHL since birth. The league, or nothing. If he didn’t have the league, there’s something else he could have. Something else he could buy time with before he knows when he’s really ready. It scares him; but it scares him in a way that’s good for him. 

“College is great,” his mom adds. “I met all your aunts there. Hockey is great too.” 

“I’ll think about it,” Jaebeom nods. “Thanks, mom.” 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this prequel on new year's eve and i thought i'd save this short piece for the anniversary.  
> hockey au is special to me, thank you everyone for sticking through this journey!!
> 
> feel free to come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/peachzoned) or [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/peachzoned)


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